“Be still and know that I am God.”
How often do we do that today? How often can we convince ourselves to just sit down and find that oft-sought, much-lauded, “peace”? What does that even mean?
I, personally, am not very good at this trait.
I feel constantly harassed, driven, pushed to “do more” and “be productive.” When joking with a friend about my life in California, I told her that I was “carousing around SoCal and trying to be a productive member of society.”
When she asked “why,” I responded with the first thing that came to mind: “So my life can have meaning.” Wow. Not the flippant response I had been going for.
Reflecting on that idea, though, I realized that perhaps the manic energy that had been possessing me, the demons hounding my heels and forcing me time and again to the chase weren’t coming from a place of healing and love in my heart, but rather from an abiding sense of insecurity. My need to serve others stemmed from a wound years old, one that has never quite healed, telling me I’m not “good enough”: not good enough to be a good friend, sister, or citizen, and perhaps not even worthy of love in general. Some people mistake this for humility. I disagree.
I had been trying to “find meaning” in my life by filling it with actions and activity because when I sat still I felt useless, a waste of space and air. We have to, I thought, constantly move to serve others because I myself, alone, was just … nothing.
Considering that notion, however, how can I, in one breath, find myself unworthy of love, and in the next profess to know the love of Christ, to be a believer and a Christian? Is not the crux of our faith that “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son”? This concept is so hard, at times; they say we have no worse critics than our own selves.
Still, though, by refusing to accept the concept of our own worthiness, we are essentially refusing the gift that He so freely offered: His own Life and Blood for our healing.
As David phrased the concept in Psalm 51:7, “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be as white as snow.” When we refuse to forgive ourselves, we refuse the blessing of Jesus’s grace in our lives.
We cannot, in one breath, profess to be Christians, and in the next give in to the darkness in the corners of our minds that whispers of our eternal failure and sin.
It is true that we cannot and will not ever be able to justify ourselves—we cannot “find meaning” on our own. The Good News, though, is we don’t need to, for God loves us and accepts us just as we are.
This is not to say that we should cease our efforts to benefit the world around us. But maybe, maybe sometimes we can stop for a moment, breathing in the blessings of Christ and being confident in His plan for our future.
“And Know that I Am God.”
About Brett Beeson
Brett Beeson, officially, is an ensign (officer) in the United States Navy, currently stationed out of San Diego, CA. She graduated in 2014 from the United States Naval Academy with a Bachelor of Science in Arabic and a minor in Spanish. Unofficially, she is the “evil twin” (one of Jory’s twin daughters), that annoying-friend-who-won’t-stop-calling, perpetual questioner, ice cream enthusiast, scribbler, roarer-of-laughter, and eternal student of God’s amazing mysteries. After extensive travel in Morocco and Oman, she has become passionate about furthering her/our understanding of the Middle East and Islam. To enjoy more of Brett’s writing, please visit Randomness with Brett.