Surviving Christmas With the Family (Jennifer Miller, LPC)

For some, Christmas means …

The Nativity. Heaven come to Earth. Immanuel, God with us.

For others, it means …

Decorations. Gifts. Egg nog. Carols. Even Santa Claus.

Regardless, it most definitely means … time with the family.

That is one of the most interesting things about the holidays. For many of us, it is the only time that we see our family, or at least see all of our family together in one place. Yet it is rare that people speak of it with any sort of positivity.

Instead, it seems like people really struggle with spending that much time with their family.

There is drama or awkwardness or disappointment. I mean, I know that things are different with family because of the lifetime of baggage being dragged forward. But setting the baggage aside, why do we still struggle so much with family? Why do we often cringe at the idea of spending that time with the whole family together?

I would posit that it is the depth of familiarity we have with family.

Being that familiar actually makes us blind to the most basic of issues—blind to things that we would clearly see with anyone else. It is easier to be more aware, more conscientious of strangers than it is with family.

• We assume too much with family.
• We get too comfortable.
• We get too lazy.

We don’t see people when we see parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. We see the role. We see the expectations, especially the unmet expectations. We see all the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s. We see moments from decades past.

In essence, we see symbols instead of persons. We see obstacles that prevented us from getting what we wanted—the roadblocks to our happiness and fulfillment. We might also see the vehicles that got us through life, both good times and bad. Perhaps, we see the potential for finally getting our needs met some time in the future.

But we aren’t related to symbols, obstacles, or vehicles. We are related to people—individuals made in God’s image, possessing intrinsic value.

So we need to learn how to open our eyes to their personhood, looking beneath the veneer of their role, their baggage, their symbolism. But what can we try with only a few days’ notice when we literally have decades of past bogging us down?

Even though I could say so much more in a class or a workshop, there is something that I can give you in this forum that could help. The key to the change is compassion.

Compassion requires that we step into the shoes of another person or that we look at life through their eyes.

It means seeing a person and not an obstacle or vehicle. Obstacles and vehicles don’t have feelings. They don’t have needs or wants. Only people possess those sorts of qualities.

So intentionally look for the person. Rather than slipping into the familiar path, pause and consider a point of connection.

• Picture being this person for just a moment.
• Find a way to feel for them.
• See beneath what you have always seen and find the person who desperately needs a little grace, especially from their family.

It’s a start. A very good start. But admittedly only that.

Take advantage and use it as such. I encourage you to start by setting this as your intention for the impending family visits and holiday celebrations. Commit to shucking the scales from your eyes and find some compassion for your family. Release the past and embrace the person.

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If you want more ways to strengthen your relationships, join us for a free informational teleseminar on January 7^th where I will share the most common reasons for communication misfires and mishaps. We will also be talking about our upcoming Relationship On Purpose group coaching experience that starts January 21^st. That is another great opportunity to get your relationships on a healthy track. We will be dedicating our first block to understanding gender differences. Learn more about either the informational teleseminar or the group coaching at www.joryfisher.com/healthyrelationships.

About Jennifer Miller

Jennifer Miller, MAR, MA, LPC is a Christian pastor, professional counselor, and author of No Longer Two: A Guide to How God Created Men, Women, and Marriage. For over a decade, she has been combining her expertise in psychology and theology to help individuals, couples, and families both in private practice and in ministry, as well as through her writing, speaking, and teaching.

She is the co-founder and Co-Executive Director of The Center for Living Well, a nonprofit Christ-centered wellness ministry dedicated to helping people live well and love God. She regularly leads classes, workshops, and retreats on a wide range of topics including faith and relationships. She is also a Master-level Christ-Centered Yoga Leader at the Center.

Jennifer is one of the new co-hosts on Heart and Soul with Jory Fisher. You can listen to her with Jory the second and third shows of the month.

Learn more about retreats at www.centerforlivingwell.org. Learn more about her book at www.nolonger2.com.